Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Reasons to work

Some nights, I can't get sleep after Fred has been awake for several times. I lay in the bed and think about my life... namely I think about diving myself between the family and the work.
Why did I decide to go back to work so soon? Yes, the triplets turn 1,5 years old in February 4 and I start working full-time in February 8.
Am I a bad mother because of that? I really don't know. I HOPE I'm not.
I hope my kids understand me. It's not about the money. I have enough savings to live through some years and not work. It's about something else. What is it then?

1. I go crazy being at home without using my brain. I can blame my work duties entirerly: during the last 10 years, all I have done, is remembering scientific stuff. Remembering loads of definitions. Remembering results of tests. Remembering all my lectures (I usually lecture by heart and not from notes), more than 200 hours per year. Now, suddenly, my brain doesn't have this workload it's used to. And I feel I just cannot be without it... I'm addicted to my work.

2. Sometimes, I feel that I'm doing work 24 hours and Erik 8 hours at work plus some hours at home and the rest, he is entitled to do his hobbies or just watch TV. It seems like mother's job is 24 hours while father's job is 8 hours at work and maximum 2 hours at home... because I get paid as a mother and this is 24 hours work. If I start working again, it feels more equal - we both work and after that, we can share our home duties. I know it sounds stupid, but this really seems to be a solution for me: start working feels me to have a right to complain more and ask help more. I'm entitled to some hobbies, too. I've given up 95% of all my hobbies, while it's not the same for Erik. Yes, I know - it's not his fault I'm a woman and he is a man... But still. I want it to be more equal.

3. In some weird way, it's also about the money. Or more being dependant on someone. I have never asked money from a man. Since I graduated from university, I have always earnt my own salary and covered my life expenses. I have had a freedom NOT to give reasons for someone how I spend my own money. I have always been able to take care for myself. I do not want to give this freedom and independency away... it means too much for me.

Are those good enough reasons to go back to work? Or should I, unselfishly, give up those things in life and dedicate myself to my children? But what happens AFTER that? When my kids are old enough to go to kindergarten (age 4) or school (age 7)? Is there any guarantees I can get it all back, after some years?

Don't get me wrong... I love my little boys. They are a big part of my life and I cannot imagine my life without them anymore. But I'm a person myself, too...


Martina said...

I can totally understand you Karin! I do not have 4 kids, only one and now she is already 16, but I totally know what you mean and this was also t
he reason I went back to work! First I did part-time, as I never get any help at home from my hubby. Now I work full-time and also hardly get any help from him....but I try to get my me-time! I need it! I do not think we are selfish...or can we call our men slefish, if they work 8 hours and then enjoy their hobbies??
Okay, perhaps there are other opinions, but these are my 2 cents!

Karin said...

Thank you, Martina, for such a honest answer! It means a lot for me that someone else, a mother herself, understands my reasons and feels the same way. Maybe - I can sleep better now and not worry too much of being a bad mom!

Malcolm Flinn said...

Great reason to explore the work...Its really helpful guide for me to start working in tenerife...Thanks